What Brought You Here?

Monday, November 4, 2002

6:40 pm

I am so tired. I have been awake for what. . .? 26 hours now. I got some good news, though. This year my insurance policy has expanded itself to include 90 percent of the cost of an ED daypatient program. I don't know how really enmeshed I actually am in my eating disorder though. The depression has taken over, totally at the wheels. I'm crying again, the perfect sign that the half life of the last 100mg dose of Zoloft I took has left my body. 100 to 50 is a steep drop. And the Effexor XR isn't exactly kicking my ass. I'm still on a low dose, just 75, but it doesn't seem to be doing much of anything. I feel more and more of a push to self-destruct, that little trigger I can't fucking unhook.

I got one of the nicest letters I've ever seen from an insurance company today. It authorizes me a visit per week for the next 6 weeks, at which point there will be an "update" If it becomes necessary to increase the frequency and/or the duration of the or if an (sic) hospital admission is required, Bastardcorp must be contacted in advance for approval

Looks like they've got it all figured out, don't they? Oh, I am so looking forward to my very first court order to undergo ECT1. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry, my brain turning into a boiled egg like it did anomalously on March at a party 12 years ago.

No e-mail from the Man. I dropped by his department and left the tape in his box. The ball is in his court and I am too too tired to fucking go chasing it around.

Walking home with a bag of 60 syringes (they don't bruise much if you use a new one each time, I'm running low on pills and need to economize)2, my Barnes & Noble birthday box from Dad (Some Russian-related stuff, Religion for Dummies, Moby's Animal Rights And "Me talk Pretty One Day" on CD Oh well, I guess its high time I started acting like the worthless piece of handicrap I am. I am currently dying my hair vampire red. Always been one of my favorites, it's beautiful in the first place and fades out not too badly. Hmmm. Maybe I should go rinse it out now.

1. I'm not sure whether I realized how fatalistic this sounded at the time. I imagine most guerilla pharmacologists dealing with a serious affective disorder while more or less starving themselves to death have pretty loopy memories. I don't recall whether ECT had been brought up yet at this time. I do know that my first "commitment" threat took place in May 2000. Seeing any degree of truth turn out from the tea leaves is a scary thing. Several doctors have suggested ECT since 2003, though I managed to defer any involuntary hospitalizations until 2005.
2. And this is the way the psyche crumbles. . .

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