What Brought You Here?

Thursday, November 28, 2002

1:45 pm

Thanksgiving in America

Okay, it seems that I've skipped a lot of information here. I'm not home a lot. It's safer to stay away. I don't binge and purge that way. I don't eat a lot either, and my weight is definitely nearing the danger zone, but we makes our choices and we takes our prize. Or something.

I have a girlfriend. This is an oddity on so many levels I cannot evne begin to explain it in the time and space I have before my server drops me and all the stores that might possibly be open limited hours today close. I don't think I can be monogamous, I'm not really certain that I'm not straight but this person and I adore one another on this bizarre level that cannot be justified by any bylaws of student-teacher relationships. Oh, did I forget to mention she was/is a student in the class I was teaching this term until I broke? I took her to the movies last night. A classmate works at the big American Multiplex. I didn't recognize him but he recognized me and I shriveled coyley like I generally do when I run into those students these days.

The effexor is working but it is giving me headaches from Narnia. I have been IVing phenobarbitol repeatedly throughout the day to kill the pain. It's not even any fun any more. It's just enough to keep me going. And it;s almost gone.

I'm out of valium. I have sympathetic friends giving me variants of the benzodiazepene family here and there to keep me going. Mostly klonopin. Ativan (lorazepam) here and there. Coke is an anesthetic and seems to go a not bad job of keeping the hammers away but I don't like to do it much and it's not there much.

I am trying to convince my girlfriend to come with me to Florida. I want to visit my friends, I haven't seen them in so long. And I want her to meet them and know my "chosen" family. I want her to know my actual family, for that matter, too. How can I be so gooey? I think it's a lesbian thing. And I am still sleeping around. And she knows it.

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