What Brought You Here?

Friday, May 8, 2009

It aint easy being clean

I have to get better. I can't stand living this way. If there still exists beauty in ordinary life, I'm blind to it. My mother offered to take me home with her when she picked me up from the hospital and all I could think of was must-get-to-binge-food. And I was so very dissappointed to arrive and find my regulation food stash niches empty.

Later, I found them in a little-used cupboard , but by then it was too little, too late. Baking gardenburgers (poo-burgers) now and perhaps that will make up for the ant manifestation that appears to have taken over my bedroom? during my furlough in the hospital. They seem particularly taken with my dirty laundry; I can only imagine it's the food-stained sheets that draw them.

I have got to get help. Soon. Help.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Just an ordinary day in the ICU

I don't know why I did it. I wasn't trying to kill myself, although thanks to this little lesson I've learned that I actually have the capacity. (I'd overdosed on various pills so many times before, only to wake up the next morning or, at worst- face a quick trip to the ER for gastric lavage.) I don't intend to kill myself, and I guess it's a bit awe-making ("awesome" doesn't seem to fit the context here) to learn that the very simple, painless (for me, certainly not for my parents) relatively quick method was in my grasp all the time.

But why? Why? Why? Why? It certainly wasn't one of those accidental ods where you party a little too hard and wake up in a bed with gates and wheels, tubes in every conceivable orifice. What I took was not a "fun" drug. I'll say it was prescribed as an anti-psychotic and no more, because I don't want to issue any lessons on How To Put Yourself Into A Coma the Miss Delusional way*as seen on TV.

I can only guess it was me playing a classic borderline personality headtrip on my dad, who was down visiting, took me out shopping (ATTN: I am now the proud owner of a wall clock!) Because I took the pills while he was waiting for me in the car,; I guess I told him I needed to stop off and get something. Once I realized what I'd done, I tried to induce vomitting, but I clearly didn't do a very good job. I walked out of the apartment, and asked him to take me to (name of private local looney bin) for an assessment. Which he did. I can't tell you how it went, though- apparently I lost consciousness shortly thereafter.

So I spent I think 2 nights in ICU before they moved me to the general floor.

I need to apologize to my father. He drives almost 3 hours to see me and at least every other visit involves the hospital.

And I have goddamned oral thrush.