What Brought You Here?

Friday, January 18, 2008

And it seems, schizophrenia

". . . but our 15 minutes are up. We'll talk in a month."

Thanks Dr. Freud. I'd love to have an extra month to ruminate on this on my own.. Best of all would be if we could allow it to disintegrate beyond the point of no return. Let's wait years, actually!

What a nice psychiatrist. I really hope they keep the ECT machines well-maintained here. I just can't do. . . anything. I can't make these calls, take a shower, god-fucking-forbid I attend my stupid adult day care groups at the mental health center. And the therapist wants me to move into the goddamn group home.

I'm glad I won't have to care too much longer. Hell, if I started smoking again today betcha I'd be outtie in less than a decade- no questions asked.

I am so cold. It was so clear talking to my social worker last night that my life is over. M*A*S*H

Saturday, January 12, 2008

We Interrupt this Miserable Life To Bring You Barely 21


In the event that you had forgotten, this is what the weekend used be for.

Beer and bongs and board games near xmas break 96 from UF . I didn't really need to be on acid. But not everyone does coke, right? Only so many people can possibly work in the restaurant business. . .

Right, um. As you were.

And now I proceed to reveal my face without my flesh

Yes I received your letter yesterday
About the time the doorknob broke.
When you asked me how I was doing-
was that some kind of joke?

Yes, it actually bothers me to be seeing a psychiatrist who believes my biggest struggle is Special Olympics "anorexia" (say this in your head in a sing-song voice,) then "depression". Yup, you got it. For the first time in as long as I can recall, I made it out of a quackologist's office with no Axis I complication of my affective disorder beyond "depression." Not even the vaguest attempt to force atypical anti-psychotics on me as treatment for my flaky skin, sleeplessness, flat affect, irritability, (inexplicably) depression and apathy, unresponsiveness, or anxiety. The doctor didn't even halfheartedly attempt to consider a lifetime of recurrent severe major depressive episodes as a cycle of some sort. Clearly, he had been kicked off of Seroquel's payroll1. My last set of schizodiagnosticians had been in bed with the Abilify folks. Clearly, madly, passionate. In fact- I was threatened to be cut off altogether should I refused to ackowledge my "gradually emerging schizophrenia" and take Abilify (AAP # 5, IIRC. . . but anti-psychotics number 7.)

I refused.

And, for the time being. . . I refuse to continue. I'm filliing up everything Iwrite with non-sequitors this afternoon due to too many days with too little sleep. I also must now go to Wal-mart and return the crochet hoops, glittery spools of colored macrama twine, multiple feet of lovely, lovely trimming, a few feet or really ugly trimming (who needed blue leather braid on clothing? Why?). . . and odds and ends of fabric that I'd truly prefer not to. (all that fleece. . .chiffon, satin, corduroy. jeez, people!)

Maybe I'll pick up some actually embroidery thread at the actual hobby store as I was meant to on my way home. Gasp, shock, awe.

1.To be fair, I only later recalled reading of him drinking seroquel-flavored soup. But also in the name of honestly I must assert that he did not at all appear to be a risk at this point. Perhaps a company rep had dropped by just then to let him know how much she'd enjoyed her visits, but that she had to move and would never, ever, be coming back. The assorted caseful was sort of goodbye present. And the kids? That they had managed to escape icecream-flavored anti-psychotic soup is testiment to the patience that pink elaphant must possess to sit and wait years in the closet before emerging, and his unique traits that make him recignizabable even to the youngest of children who know that talking to invisible creatures is not worth free sweets.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Russian Music

Sorry folks. This one will require not only having your whole damn "character encoding" list ( in firefox->view->character encoding-> then digging around in the options until your find the one that makes this readable.) I've got reason to belief that it's "unicode UTF-8", a c.e. of which I know nothing. Presumably because it uses transliteration rather than the real cyrillic keyboard which just screws me up. Or- if you are on Firefox- and god only knows why anyone in the free world would be using anything less by now, go check out the wet dream list of language extension tools. Right now I'm doing fine with Anykey. I noticed much more recent loads of add-ons available, including quite a few that I could potentially *use* in entirety . . .just don't see myself buckling down with- well- *any* brand new language family right now, unless I finally opt to get my head out of the clouds of pharmaceutical shell/artificial sweetener/ high-fiber cement-like items I inevitably give in to eventually, even knowing that they are primarily doomed to end up in my lower intestine. So, yeah, perhaps it's time to find a more personalized add-on until such a time as it becomes plausible vital to get a high colonic, in order to facilitate extraction of head from ass. It appears most feasible to expect this possibility to present itself on a grand scale during

Anyhoo. In response to this poll regarding my favorite band's latest album cover, I replied to the guy who thinks a child's picture doesn't "go" with the title.

Никите- А по-моему во фотке сосредоточитя беспредельная, заязычная радость яркокраской, тянушим морем прелестьно-глупостью (огромных очков). В самом деле она точно подходит М.Кунстливому состоянию. (т.е. тому, кодга я его знала. Может он обезсветовалась, возможно теперь на каждом концерте представляется одна и та же самая списка лишенных экспромптом песень, а ни на коем случае больше не обращаются с фанками, тем более запрещены бсе "guest musicians.") По-моему такое отчуждение темперамента появляется крайне-редко, верно следствием шок-терапии.

В любом случае, обложка на албуме должна воображать музыкантов и их творчество целом. Название в конце концов мгновенный способ проверки. Нафиг обложке ему подходить? Прелестный представитель группы, которая вызывает во мне сольнечные тропические мысли и ребячливое желание смеяться и танцовать (несмотря на взгляды других). ' '

Go check out the band whose blog I linked to in my title. I discovered them quite serendipitously in March 1997, when the band on the roster at the tiny club Кризис жанра failed to show. That was the night I understood why Jerry Garcia had to die, and about the same time I realized I had to stay in Russia as long as possible.*

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Why It's Not Cool to Pick on Amy Winehouse or Other Living Creatures

"My point is that idolizing this woman or her body is ridiculous."

Your point in posting here was to underscore how ridiculous the participants are? Or to see just how many cleverly-worded chops on a sick woman's appearance you could come up with, sight unseen?

I don't get why you would be participating in a thread devoted to pictures of someone who you claim makes you vomit, has lost half her teeth,and "looks like a junky". Even more surprising is that you would belong to an entire forum populated by people who probably look very much the same, despite the status of their sobriety.

I do apologize for dragging this out. I just hate it when I see this kind of attitude perpetuated on our forum. As if there's some great barrier of sanity separating those with eating disorders from the rest of the mentally ill population that grants us some right to look down upon sufferers of other (or in this case, additional) disorders. Just as bad is our instant justification of any necessary degree of slander/censor in the name of anti/recovery Depending on the way the wind is blowing in any given season- your comments would surely never have seen the light of day on this board circa 2001, smothered by the "rule" of anti-recovery.

I'm not arguing with the sentiment- if you had voiced it so simply in the first place we wouldn't have wasted a page arguing veinous scar tissue. I agree that A.W. is unhealthy. It actually breaks my heart to read so many media forum posts stating that "celebrity X can't possibly weigh that much" when "that much"= 90 lbs.

I'm arguing with the semantics. Sick is sick. Sick is universally unhappy, systemically unhealthy, heartbreaking, and at least occasionally gross. A.W. is sick. I am sick. Most of our board members are sick.* I assume, despite your initial interactions with me in the bulimia forum last September, that you are also sick.
Sick hurts too much to shower and sick is too tired to brush teeth. Sick says too much after a another sleepless night. Sick is bloated at an eternal #2 on the kidney list. Sick is unhealing bedsores and infected ulcers of pre-amputated feet. Sick is hair and shit and tumor and bone and vomit- human waste, wastes removed, and wasted human lives. Sick is universally understood to be negative and we all know that idolizing sickness is "ridiculous."

Editorializing is unnecessary. '

*Although it's important to remember that many members deal with at least one major mental illness in addition to an ED, along with a sizeable number of members dealing with one or more chronic physical disabilities/disorders.