What Brought You Here?

Friday, January 24, 2003

2:46 pm
Forgot to add that I am off effexor since the therapeutic dosage was threatening to give me seizures. I'm on Lexapro now. I'll get back to you about my will to live in six weeks.

2:26 pm - SOS (Same old Shit)
I am having pad thai and coffee for breakfast, which I think is a totally appropriate behavior for a chronic bulimic/anorexic. Ar 2:30 in the afternoon.

I quit dope for 3 days. My doc prescribed me an Opiate/APAP for the effexor withdrwal headaches and I asked in the pharmacy to be sure they had it before turning in the script. Well, they didn't, and they substituted the same number of pills at half the opiate strength. So I headed out, after much pleading and whining, home, in order to rectify the situation on my own.

While I was buying dope opiates in Ohio, my grandfather went into cardiac arrest and died in Minnesota.

I meant to make those two little pills last, taking half at a time so it would be just like what I was actually originally prescribed. But then My Girlfriend got a voice message on her phone from my father telling me to call him while he was visiting family. And my uncle told me.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not that close to my extended family.I don't have much against them, I have more important grudges to bear. But I haven't even seen my grandparents, or any other family in that state, in 1.5 years. I cried anyway. I sobbed. Just like I did when my stepfather who emotionally abused all of us and sexually abused me died in a car crash. I cried because my mother had lost the love of her life.

So I suppose last night I cried for my aunts and uncles and my grandmother. I cried and sobbed and shook and My Girlfriend held me and and when I stopped shaking I sent abstinence from dope to hell, crushed up those little pills, put them into the spoon, and. . . if you don't know how this story ends, then go watch Trainspotting or Sid and Nancy .

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