What Brought You Here?

Thursday, December 20, 2007

meme from LJ Dear Santa

the Great Pumpkin, amazon Abraham, Santa Claus Concrete intangibles: A sign that MY ENORMOUS WHITE FLAG HAS BEEN SPOTTED BY the only omniscient Jewish Carpenter I believe in. An evening/possibly an entire day(?) out with family parameters not limited by an eating disorder. 4 nights of sleep; 4 days of relative emotional/physical stability; and the complimentary self-care & "other tasks" maintenance. Permanent- preferably total and immediate- acquisition of the skills I need to make this 4-day show into a voluntary life, one with actual purpose. I want a DBT skills tool kit neurochip in my stocking. An endless stash of sugarfree, nutritionless popsicles, fudgesicles, and low-sodium V-8 would be nice, but I'd settle for a stocked freezer at my mother's house, followed by a mysterious string of half-prices sales in the supermarkets on my circuit. And to keep my 2nd lower right incisor, which I can tell is trying to erode away. Cliffnotes for the ADD'ed or those who just wish they were: I want my sister back, and I would like to act like a minimally normal human being during my holiday visit to my mother. I have would like, to relearn tolive. Not like a "normal person", but like pretty much anyone, briefly, who has no issues with ADLs. For better or worse, what I wish most is actually engaged in the world-with sustaining reasons to live. The unfortunate thing is that I have to do all this "internal tinkering" nonsense until I can (I'm guessing) perform acts of self-stewardship as automatically as is deemed necessary to stay safe and healthy. I wish that it were evident to those who don't struggle; yes, entropy is easy, but digging out is inconceivable. The stench alone from the justification of week after week (it's too cold to get in the shower/ I don't have any clean clothes/underwear/socks//My linens are dirty and I haven't any to replace them- what's the point of putting a freshly washed head amongst 6 months of grime//I *miht* work out later) The latter was the true start, but I don't run anymore. There's no excuse not to shower. On the road/in the woods/ in the summertime in Moscow- I made due. Before the disintigration I believe 10 days had been my record, and this was not disqualified for intermittent lakeswims. Mine is definitely a water sparing history, mind you. But even as a stinky hippie I was conscientious enough of my own comfort to invade the local health food store with the single bathroom each morning and attend a few choice hygiene issues as needed (while iserting cotact lenses, no less.), Unlike. . . say as a deeply neurotic depressive bulimic, who managed to avoid both toothbrushing and any notanle change of clohing for days on end. Until some items became so clearly covered in food (much longer tolerence) or vomit (could take a visit to the outside world without changing to note) that a change was merely easier than keeping track of towels or having napkins on hand. But even as the outer clothing would molt, the underclothes would remain because (see beginning of cycle).
Of course itching sets in, eventually. . . and while I fully believe the odor of a single note can be covered by generous doses of an essential oil (hippie bath- "patchouli") I don't think much can be don't for the multiple odors of vomit, sweat, and byproducts of decaying flesh from the kidneys as well as the mouth, with added notes of waste products possible if diuretics/ laxatives are used excessively , or even when strength and response time lags, as it does in any severely impaired person. Depending on the state of mind, the person may not bother changing the soiled pants even after such an an episode. Unless he was stirred to shower beforehand, little short of total saturation through two layers will call for major action.

So. A dose of essential oil to the pits upon realizing that one will be forced to exit one's enclave does not disguise this. Perhaps if the drops had been scattered about the body, on a daily basis, over the weeks, it would have sufficed. Maybe if one were in the habit of looking into a mirror, one would notice half digested food remnants stuck to one's chin. Or if one were in the habit of washing one's hair, surely the vomit would have been brushed away by the running water. But at this point 5 days ago seems "recent"- you don't see the dullness in your hair. What gets you in to the shower is the huge patches of (?) skin (?) that have begun the form and flake off all the areas of hair on your body. When it was merely constant peeling of your hands and toes, your own alternately rising and disappearing unwashed stew (sweat is scarcely noted, only actual tangible pieces of vomit male an impression and are usually, albeit belatedly, manually removed, you won't likely notice your own breath - unless you have a sinus infection- and perineal odors are compounded/contained by the clothing that contains the offensive materials, meaning you only get a whiff when you've got your pants off. But the itching will eventually become unbearable, the flaked off "skin" matting your hair and turning you from a merely lazy dirty person into a disgusting dirty person. Because going out in public with vomit on your arm in jeans you'd yet to launder after not quite making it in time for a wee is not disgusting. At any rate, it is hard, especially once you'e accumulated a certain quantity of laundry- you might have been on top of it from the beginning with adequate facilities (you've no money, there's no laundry in the building, you've no detergent). It's down to figuring out what's *least* odiforous, and balancing this with maximum stain-free area. Just for the public- the ones that need to be moderately impressed with your functionality i.e. doctors, therapists, case managers, parole officers, presumably. . . potential employers. These are the same people who merit Dedicated Shower Days. If you've been in the shower within the past week, honestly- you're doing prety good. Probably- that is, I don't know what endocrinological issues you might have. But if you're getting in there frequently enough to keep the pipes from from rusting_much_ you're probably not walking around looking like a psychopathic slob most of the time. It should be noted that the genpop apparently showers every single day, as a rule of thumb, and that most people apparently can't go more than 3 or 4 days without vidually appearing "unwashed." I believe it's the hair, more than anything. Some people actually claim they find they're hair unacceptable greasy after skipping just one day, whip seems a bit excessive. However, be aware- whether you can see it or not, if it's been more than a couple of days- or if you don't remember when the last one was, exactly- you need for appointments.

Opa, right now I want a shower. But first I want to go to the food pantry. Thanks St. Rod Blagojevich.

No comments:

Post a Comment

If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.