What Goes Up

7:31 pm

Yeah, so the no-smoking thing lasted 18 days. That's the longest I've gone without a cigarette since before my 14th birthday. Good try, mate. A step in the right direction, and all that. Meanwhile homelife has reached the equilibrium that I tend to drag it into. I adore my girlfriend: she's witty and thoughtful and adorable and all the other nausieating adjectives I've used regarding her since the conception of our relationship. The problem is that she is kind of a mess too. She doesn't publicize it as loudly (or really at all) as I do, but living together you know when your other half is down down down. What really frightens me is that we cannot both seem to be happy at the same time. If I'm okay, she's down, if I'm a complete fucking mess, well, she bites the bullet and takes care of things. One special tidshit of news is that my eating disorder recovery seems to be going down the tubes, literally. I was going weeks, or at leaast multiple days, binge and or purge free and now I've done it like 5 or 6 times this week. I personally blame this on the writing of my candidacy paper. Or maybe the fact that two purges in 3 days helped me uncommit to quit smoking. Whatever it was, writing these huge papers requires holing one's self up in a world of unreality scrunched over books and desperate that you've missed an important article and facing a screen that somehow refuse to become filled with words. I finally have a meeting at the back clinic today. Maybe they can just shove that damn disc back in where it came from. Or they'll take another 5000 dollars worth of MRI's and send me home with a script for some addictive drug that last me 3 days of dissassociative bliss. Oh well. The good news is that my father is overnighting my Windows 98 disc to my department, should be there today and I will once again have the freedom of using more than 30 percent of my screen, I'll be able to see icons and everything. . . (ahh, the joys of safemode when you've inadvertently deleted your system.ini file) My love to all out there in cyberland, and now I shall go take a dump.